Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I'm Fat. No, Really....

Having Body Dismorphic Disorder (the fat kind, not the skinny Ana/Mia kind) means I don't see my body the way that everyone else sees my body. Where you might see someone who looks like a dump truck, or a beached whale if I happen to be in my blue swimsuit, I see someone... pretty. Luscious. Voluptuous. But nothing horrific or 'Dear God, Make it Stop' kind of fat.
I used to be in good shape. I passed my last Navy PRT with a Good High score on everything, while still failing at the weight/body fat portion. In my head, I was a fit fat girl. Rare, but possible.

Jacob, my very nice, non-judgemental trainer at my gym has been really nice to me. He was polite, and he laughs at all my jokes. Except yesterday, He Kicked My Ass. Sadly, it didn't take much.
This was devastating for me. I had my entire self perception shattered in less than an hour. I'm Fat. F-A-T. I'm a Fat Girl. I wear an XXL tee shirt to the gym. I'm NOT fit. I couldn't finish the sets he had laid out after a mere 20 minutes. Today, EVERYTHING hurts. Legs, Arms, Back... Advil is my best friend right now. I could barely walk this morning. My bad shoulder hates me right now, and is trying to pull me forward into a permanent hunchback. My bad ankle seems to feel walking in a straight line is no longer part of it's job description. But... I can handle the physical pain. I used to live with much, much worse physical pain. Right now the issue is the emotional pain of realizing I am not the person I thought I was, and learning to see myself in a more accurate manner. I'm psychologically crushed.

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